Sunday, September 21, 2008

Re-evaluating the Intangables

Was thinking a lot today about the difference between the tangables and the intangables again today, and what things am I really looking to change to make my life "better". Now, just to clarify, I realize that my life isn't half as bad as some people out there. I have roof over my head (for now at least...), I have all my limbs and senses intact and functioning, my hair...FLAWLESS! But y'all know that there are things that only you can see about yourself that you want to "fix". These are mine:
- Procrastination: I'm always leaving things till the last minute. Even PAST that in some circumstances! Although I know well in advance when things are to be done... I wait.

- Cycle of self-destruction: It seems as though I'm perpetually doing things to fuck up my life knowingly. It's that age-old thing of the dilemma and two paths down a shadowy lane (you know what I'm talking about...), and I ALWAYS seem to choose the one that was wrong.

- Shyness: Yes, I am horribly shy when I meet new people. Strange, I know, mostly because people consider me very out-going ONCE they get to know me. Even worse than that, my shyness usually takes the form of snobbery (for some reason) so anyone new I meet thinks I think that I'm better than them. But it's only true most of the time...

- Bitchiness: Well, Okay I'm a bitch. I can deal with that.

- Insecurity: Who DOESN'T have these? But I just got to learn to get over mine.

- Body Dis-morphism: No matter how much weight I loose, no matter how much I work out... I'll ALWAYS think I'm too fat. It's like me and Tracy Gold are Anorexia BFF's

Oh... I'm sure I'll think of more tomorrow!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Doorways to the Past

Sallying forth on my journey, I figured it would be interesting to see tid-bits of where I started. Below are just some (for lack of a better term) poems which were written in my teen angst years. Trite and juvenile as they may seem, they got me thru some rough shit growing up.

Looking back on them now, I wouldn't say they were brilliant by any means... but I liked them. And honestly, that's what mattered.

Enjoy (or not, which probably will be the case...)


Dissipating into a vast nothingness.
All my aspirations
Are now gone since I can acknowledge
The horrifying truth.

I am,
For the first time,
Totally and utterly alone.
No one sees who I really am,
No one cares who the person inside is.
They do not notice that I long for someone else,
And as sanctuary, I find love for others
Who do not need it
Nearly as much as I do.

But they,
The gifted and lucky,
Stand joyous in front of me,
Laughing, touching, falling...
Into the realm which is known as love.

But they,
The hopeful and wondrous,
Seem blindly oblivious to the fact
That all I ever needed,
All my heart desires,
Is what I lack,

And they have.

The Sun

I stand all by myself,
But I am not still.
I am spinning.
And there are many others,
They too spin,
But not as I do.
They are all around me,
Covering me as if a blanket.
All off in the distance,
But still there.

Amidst us all,
There lies a light,
A beacon of hope,
A ball of fire.
She does not spin;
She dances.
We all revolve around her
For she is the center of the universe,
To all that know her.
But she doesn't conceive this.
When she leaves us one day,
(It is inevitable)
Our lives will whither and crumble away.
Leaving us no light,
No beacon of hope,
No fire in our lives.

Our lives will mean nothing,
Coldness will invade,
Our once warm lives.
In our hearts,
The empty void,
Never to be filled again,
Will leave us in darkness.

I am the Earth
They are The Stars
She is The Sun


The times which seem in the past, imperfect,
Hold ever-lasting memories in retrospect.
Things appearing to be minor trivialities,
Turn out to have major impact on our pseudo-immortality.

Our lives seem to last forever to us,
But when things happen horrifically,
We only then realize our lives are not our own.
They are in fact, in the hands of fate.

This is only learned when it is too late.

Life can be snuffed out as if a candle.
A once brightly glowing soul,
Is cast away into the darkness,
All too easily forgotten.

They are no more.
They no longer experience.
No longer do they laugh or cry,
Feel anger or sorrow.
They belong nowhere.
They are the lucky ones.

The rest of our mortal companions,
Learn to live without them.
Care only for their fate.
They are forgetful of our lost ones.

The disillusionment of our intricate reality crashes down.

What we once labelled reality is no more.
It is shattered and strewn across the floor.
Leaving us in disarray and confusion.
To pick up the pieces and put it back together.
No longer do we belong anywhere,
For there is nowhere to belong to.

Darkness surrounds us in a world where we must create light,
From the hopes and dreams of us mortals.
We must create what we want reality to be.
A place to belong to.

So, we wish...

Friday, September 19, 2008

What I Am

I sit,
I listen,
And I hope,
That they will stop their bickering.
Their yelling;
Their screaming;
Is driving me insane.
It's times like these that I wish that I wasn't here.
Times I wish I was all alone.
In the dark;
In the deep cold earth,
Where all life began--
And ends.
This is where I will lie for all eternity.
Forever and ever.

But I guess I can't
For if I was gone,
Where would everyone go,
For advice,
For an open heart,
But most of all,
For someone to talk to.

But where do I go to talk?
Who can I talk to?
To sit,
To speak,
And get an open mind--
And heart?
Everyone thinks I am so strong,
So hard,
So tough.
But I'm not.
I have problems too.
More than anyone could ever imagine.
But no one cares to listen
To a worthless thing like me.

So I just sit,
And listen,
And hope,
That it will all be over soon.
So I can finally rest,
In my eternal solitude.
Nothing to worry about,
No one to turn to,
And no one to love,
Forever and ever.

But in reality that is all I need.
Someone to love.
I tried it once, but he hurt me even more.
So I decided to quit trying,
An impossibility.
For who could love
What I am?

Forget my needs and wants,
Forget who I really am,
And pretend to be someone I'm not.
A person everyone thinks they know so well.
But I guess they should,
For they are the ones who created him.

Built him from scratch,
To do their bidding,
To be there for them always.
To sit,
To listen,
And to hope that they will come out of it all right.

But I already know they will.
They will grow into the best people
This world has ever known.
Better than Einstein,
Greater than De Vinci,
More superb than even Aristotle.
While I sit in my desolate sanctuary,
All alone,
All by myself,
To sit back and watch their glory.

But for now,
I'll just sit,
And listen,
And hope,
That they will be okay.
But I don't know if I will.
So I'll just live my life the best I can,
And hope that I will come out of it all right.

But when I don't,
I'll just sit,
And cry,
Because no one will be there for me to talk to.

But, now I must go,
To sit,
To listen,
And to hope,
That it will all be over soon.
So I can finally be alone.

Let's start at the very beginning...

So here I am, yearning for change. But I guess in order to see and understand the change with which we seek, we need to know from whence we began (alliteration much?).

Name: Terry
Age: 30 (shudder...)
Height: 5'9" (and it's all torso)
Weight: 188 lbs (sadly...)
Sex: (rarely! oh, I mean...) Male
Status: Single (shocker!)
Occupation: Retail

So that's me in brief.

Now, let's disuss what is going to change.

Primarily, I want to get back to weight I was last year. at LEAST 154 lbs... 8 pounds away from my goal weight and I just throw it out the window! and for what? For a BOY? How rediculous...

Perhaps I should quit smoking (grumbles...), but then I'd have to find another hobby to look cool doing.

I did all ready change jobs, so that is a step in the proper direction. and oddly enough, I'm actually content with this one.

Need to change my financial situation. Save more. Spend Less. Good-bye couture...

Now, all those are rather superficial, tangable things that can be changed. Things one can measure from start to finish and see an end result. What about the intangables? Those abstract ideas like "serenity", "clarity" or indeed "happiness"... those are going to prove difficult to quantify.

It is my belief that in changing the tangables into what I to achieve, that will directly influence the intangables as well. We've all seen the effects: Loose weight, feel happier. Gain the same amount of weight back... feel ten times worse! But at least you get the idea...

Now, I'm not saying that I'm some sort of vain egomainac or anything (although if you know me, I pretend to be quite well!), I'm just a realist. I know that there are things about the world that make me unhappy that I can not change at all. Mostly everything except myself. So that's why were going on this mission. To make the world a better place because I am in it!